Saturday, February 10, 2007

let's start with a piece i wrote in late summer 2005

this is an old "micro-fiction" piece from a while back...i posted this on the old blog, and i still love it. re-reading it now is almost frightening, because i was a lot less comfortable in my own skin back then...sure, i haven't made it to 100% comfortable, and maybe not even 75%, but this little paragraph sounds like a living hell, and i was in it. i didn't even realize how far i had come until i read this again just now.

i added the little "secret" at the end, as i often did in the past. i do that at the end of my posts, so be on the lookout.

"when i grow up i wanna be a socialite"
*she unlocks the door at 3:19 a.m. and steps into the frigid stream from the window unit across the room. it was a good night. ignoring the voice in her head telling her "no," she walks into the kitchen. distracted for a moment, she looks at her reflection in the darkened window, a youthful pixie with pigtails. she steps closer, leans on the sink, and sees the fine lines beneath her eyes, the faint but present furrow between her brows. there is a vase of dying tulips on the counter, a testament to the fact that someone cares in some way. she doesn't know why, doesn't want to know how. oblivion may be good at this point. she steps back again to view her whole body in the window. how did she let herself get this way? does she hate herself that much, or did someone hurt her so much that she feels unworthy of feeling good, feeling attractive? either way, she decides, it stops now. it is time for a change. this time will be different. no more excuses. she retreats to the bedroom and undresses, falls on the bed. her mind is full of thoughts: the night, how she acted, what she said, what she heard. she analyzes things too much. she needs peace. she needs something concrete, because a fuzzy reflection in a dark window isn't something she can fully grasp.*

my secret: i think people would know me more, understand me better if they read what i write…but i am afraid to suggest it sometimes

No comments: